i'm scared...
i don’t know where things are going anymore. i feel lost, but i still feel like i’m moving. in what direction, i have no idea.
i never really know where i stand with t. sometimes i think i definitely know. im 100% certain. then he does something, i do something or something happens to throw things right up in the air again.
after such a lovely evening soon after new year where we went out, had dinner, went to the cinema and walked around the cathedral close at night looking at the stars, i thought our stock was up. that this was it. we were going somewhere, after much trying. he professes at the end of the night that he wants to see me during the week and at saturday at the latest. but alas, things didn’t go to plan. snow came in its droves and pretty much rendered everyone housebound. needless to say i didn’t see him until saturday when i got called into work. he tells me that we’ll go for dinner once he finishes at 8 and he’s excited.
i go home, get ready, get dolled up. i’d been thinking about this night. it was the night before he went back to university. basically, if we were going to seal the official deal before he went back, it would be tonight. there was a lot riding on this night and felt like the fact that i’d seen him only hours previously, that nothing could go wrong to ruin it. how wrong i was. i was stepping out of the car when i got a curt message telling me that sorry, he couldn’t make it and that i should come and stay soon. no explanation whatever. i replied with a short message which pretty much portrayed how i felt - pissed off, angry and upset. monosyllabic and cold.
i got home, effort wasted. i got into bed and headed straight to msn to talk to heather about how much of a dick he was. i got talked into (though i didn’t need much persuasion) writing him a facebook message pretty much demanding an explanation as to why i’d been stood up. if only i’d delayed and vented my feelings on here, where he would never see them, and i would feel exactly the same for getting things off my chest. except things dont work that way. i sent him the message, in which i also told him how much i liked him, and awaited a response. seeing him dash onto fb an hour or so later, i waited for the impact of my words. my phone vibrated - a 3 page long text explaining his mum had crashed her car and he didn’t have time to tell me. also how much he really wanted to see me, how much he hoped i understood. how much he liked me and didn’t want to hurt or upset me. or even ruin us. signing off ‘yours xxxx’, i felt like it was the perfect apology text. he’d obviously read my message. or so i thought.
turns out he hadn’t. when i mentioned in my reply to ignore my message because i was being silly, his response of ‘what message?’ and the ensuing cold message made me feel like i’d taken 1 step forwards and 10 back. we spoke the next day, where he said he didn’t like my message. sensing that things were slipping from my grip, i apologised profusely. i didn’t want to let him go. i probably apologised for more than i should have. not that i should even have to apologise. at the end of the day, i had no idea why he had cancelled and i was thinking all sorts. we were far enough down the line where i thought i at least deserved an explanation, for reasons of common courtesy at least.
still, he told me he missed me. which was something. we talk sporadically on facebook. a quick chat every couple of days. i told him i wanted to take him up on his offer of me coming to stay. provisionally the end of february. i’m going to make every effort to be there. because i want to see him. but i am nervous as hell about it. we’ll be in a situation so far detatched from what we’re used to. away from home, prying eyes, parents, worrying about driving home and work in the morning. i’ll be staying with him. in his bed? i presume so. i’m looking forward to the prospect of just spending hours in bed just spooning. but then the thought of anything further makes me slightly sick. i don’t think he’s a leader - not in those situations anyway. which would mean it would fall to me. which i’m not very comfortable with. i like being led, or at least confident enough that i’m not going to have to do it all.
if he propositioned sex, i’m not sure what i’d say. i don’t even know if i feel that way about him yet. i think this one might be more of a slow burner, rather than the animal instinct i usually experience. but then again, i’ve usually got a skinful of alcohol in me. but then when we were together the other night, kissing pretty passionately, i got the feeling in my stomach. the feeling where if circumstances were different…
but it’s not just sex. it’s the thought of getting naked. it’s the awkwardness when it gets to bedtime. on the first night. it’s the ‘oh my god, what’s going to happen?’. what does he even look like without his clothes on? i know i’ve seen him in his swim stuff, but that hardly counts. part of me absolutely dreads it. another part relishes it. i guess i just have to think back to all the other times where i’ve shared a bed. to be honest, and this doesn’t reflect well on me, they’ve pretty much all been spur of the moment drunken things, to begin with anyway. with that much alcohol, all inhibitions are dropped. but i don’t think i want things to be this way. coupled with the amount of history we have, i feel this might be awkward, especially sober. maybe he’ll have got me a camp bed. maybe he won’t even be prepared to share a bed with me. he is a good christian boy after all. the thought of going further with him makes me cringe. if only for his perceived inexperience. he may surprise me by being the biggest stud ever. doubtful though.
he’s coming back home before that though. from the 13th. he says he wants to see me. he’s around for a few days. which inevitably means around valentines. i feel like we’ll have been apart for such a time that we can’t just jump into valentines. but maybe he’s got different ideas. i hope he has. i’d love flowers and a card. but unlikely. he’d surprise me if he did anything for it. but it would possibly be the best surprise ever.
2 weeks ago • 0 notes